TULSA, Okla. - The ladies of the First United Methodist Church women’s group did not want to spare any expense for Mabel McCullough’s birthday party. After all, she will be turning 95-years-old on September 27th and they wanted to show their love. So they got her a nice big carrot cake complete with a candle for every year. “There wasn’t an inch to spare. By the time we had them all lit, it looked like a torch,” said birthday party guest, Eddi Carlin. Then, with some help, the birthday girl blew out all 95 candles, sending a huge plume of smoke into the air.
It was only moments later when the party guests noticed several large bodies in the doorway ready to crash the party. “We had just sat down to eat when we saw them in the doorway,” said Carlin.
The large bodies in the doorway belonged to the men and women of the local fire department responding to what they believed could possibly be a raging fire. 24 firefighters, five engines and two ladder companies arrived to battle the ferocious blaze of Mabel’s birthday cake.
“In my 23 years on the job, I’ve seen a lot of things set off a fire alarm,” said Fire Chief Lonnie Lamb, “but I don’t think I’ve ever heard of one going off because of a birthday cake.”
The firefighters didn’t stick around long enough to have birthday cake, but did manage to pose for a few pictures with the birthday girl before heading back to the station, though I’m sure that this is one birthday that none of them will ever forget.
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I think your approach holds promise, but your lead is way too long. It takes you way too long to get to the point.
ReplyDeleteYou're telling this story chronologically. That doesn't work for news.
Here's how you could make this angle work:
The ladies of the First United Methodist Church spared no expense for Mabel McCullough’s 95th birthday: a big cake, lots of candles. But the biggest surprise wasn't the party or gifts ... it was the arrival of 24 uninvited guests.
Then go on to tell who they were and what brought them there. I'd use Carlin's quote (“We had just sat down to eat when we saw them in the doorway”) to make the transition from the lead to the rest of the story.
The rest works, but make it clear that the smoke from the candles set off a smoke alarm.
Don't start a sentence with a numeral (24).
13/15